I Found You, I Find Me
Since we can be going nowhere because there is something dangerous outside, I have plenty of chance to see her eyes deeper in my every breath. This year is our 20th anniversary of being together. After this far, I see and be with her through her ups and downs. I really love her even she act and think as I have died in this past two years. We are now still in the same house, sleep in the same bed, and I do believe that we are still in the same heart.
Let me tell you about the current situation in my country first. The government is beginning to lift lockdown due to the sudden appearance of a bunch of T-rexes in the northern hemisphere of my country. A totally dangerous T-rexes. They, the T-rexes spread fastly in almost all-region in my country. So all the activities are suspended for a while at least until the government can overcome this problem. In my opinion, it will be a bit hard because the T-rexes are invisible, we don’t know where they are. The T-rexes really like the human crowds, they can suddenly appear and visible if they are hungry and want to eat humans. It scares us all, like a reality of horror movie, we the humans against an invisible predatory enemy. All we can do is just stay home, avoid the crowd, stay alive, and make sure you are not eaten by T-rex.
People also said this lockdown as a self-quarantine. Today is Day-34 of quarantine she writes on her daily journal. Actually, she enjoys this full-time work at home. She is a busy girl at the campus. Since high school, she puts so much interest in joining organizations, and her favourite position is to be a secretary. Oftentimes she looks very tired after her busy long day at the campus and arrived home late. Working from home gives her space to take a rest more. She is an ambivert, during the day she can look so cheerful and pleasant. On the other hand, most of her night time spend with feeling sad without rhyme or reason, then crying in silence. And now sadly she had forgotten about my presence in her life. I am pretty ok with that, I still love her anyway. See how much I know her so well. Her name is Geesh.
Every day I wake her up with all my nice words, she never listens. Every time she accidentally looks at me, I smile for her, she never cares. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner we always take together on the same table. Day by day I prepare her clothes before she is going to take a bath, she likes it and wears it. I comb her blonde hair, but still, she acts like she did it all by her own hand.
One day in this quarantine, finally I heard she asked a question.
“Where do all my dreams have lost?” she said. I run to her with a cup of oatmeal in my hand for her.
“What did you say Geesh? Dreams, what?” I asked.
But then she just focuses on the book in her hand which title The Years of the Voiceless, a book she reads about her favourite figure, woman. Then back act like she is saying “I am not talking to you.” It’s totally ok for me. I will not be giving up on her. I love her like I really do.
Then I back to my own activity, while listening to the new song of Indonesian singer Tulus titled Adaptasi. I hope I could sing this song for Geesh very soon. When she started to hear my voice again, when we laugh and talking about the whole world again. I can’t wait and the time will come. Here are the lyrics of the song that I want her to know the most.
Bersyukurku kau utuh jiwa raga
Bila ini (belum ‘kan reda)
Tetap kita (saling menjaga)
Hari depan (tak ada yang tahu)
Hadirmu sangat berharga
Kuingin engkau tahu
Aku sayang kamu
I am grateful that you are intact in body and soul
if this will not end up yet
still, we take care of each other
nobody knows about tomorrow
your presence is very precious
I want you to know
I love you
If you are wondering why does she think I have been dead for the past two years? Here is the story. We were really unified from the first time we met. I accompanied her to arrange all her dreams, I convinced her that we will make it all comes true. It such a blessing for me to be her support system. She was happy too at those years, she loved me so much, every morning after subuh prayer she often hugs me tight and thank me so much. She convinced me to reach all my dreams too, which indeed is to see her enjoy and catch hers without she knows. I let her do anything she wants. Until one day, she failed. One of her biggest dream and she has waited for three years to end up with rejection. She can’t do anything with that, she tried three times in the same year but the result never changed. Because of that, she was overwhelmed. She, we, Geesh and I didn’t prepare a second plan to face the worst possibilities like that. From that day, she never even say hi to me, let alone discussing dreams. I understand her bad feeling, disappointment. I know she didn’t mean to blame me for her silence. She just needs to be alone. And I let her do it, I will never leave her. But the worse is, she’s now live her life with blaming herself for the failure and she is afraid of dreaming. She stopped believing herself. Wait a minute, I heard she is looking for something in our private room.
“What are you looking for, Geesh? Do you need any help?” I said.
She looks shocked. Does she just hear my voice?
“Hi,” she said. Is she talking to me? I still don’t believe it yet. Her eyes, suddenly watery.
“Geesh?? Are you ok? Why are you crying?” I asked.
Such a stupid question, it is clear that she is not ok with her tears and one question she hates the most: why are you crying. Because she never knows the answer. I try to leave her alone like she always needs to. I walked a step but then,
“Wait. I’m looking for you.”
We, Geesh and I walking to the mirror together. Sitting down and swarm into our eyes deep and deeper.
“I have been waiting for so long unto this time I could talk directly to your heart, Geesh. I, miss you too, a lot. I know every time you are on your way going back home, you remembered me, you were wondering where the hell I am in your worst situation. I know every time you are fed up with this life, your deepest heart said that you miss me. I hear your silence apologize to me too, Geesh whereas you don’t need to. Do you remember the song of Nadin Amizah titled Mendarah? Bukan maaf yang kuminta, tapi peluk yang kulupa. I don’t need your apology, I just need your hug which I have been forgotten how it feels. I know you are looking for me either you ignore my presence around you, in you. It’s ok for me, Geesh, the one that un-ok here is you. And I’m sick to know that you are not ok while I can do nothing. We should go through this life together like before. Whenever you think everything is impossible, I am the only one who still believes that all in this fuckin world is possible for you, for us. Failure isn’t the end, failure is the new way from God for us to try again with new maximum energy and faith.” I said.
She cries. I cry, but there is no tear in my eyes. Because I am stronger than her.
“I am sorry, you know all the words in my heart I wanna tell you. Now, let me spew out all my regrets and my new hopes, would you?” She said.
We laugh and cry together before the mirror for an hour. I have no story to be told, so I just being her lovely listener as I always do. I help her to re-arrange her dreams.
This is the two months of quarantine, the Ghosting T-rexes─now people call them, are spread globally. The injuries because of them become a world pandemic. Maybe we will stay at home until we don’t know, but happy to be in this situation with our peaceful mind and full of hope. Geesh and I now are doing a great relationship again, especially in terms of dreaming for the future. I list all her wishes and I have got 76 numbers just in three days and will increase every day. After this pandemic, we promise to begin our journey again.
TULUS
Adaptasi
Berdiam di dalam rumah ini denganmu
Dari malam hingga malam lagi
Terkungkung langkah ragu tak ke mana-mana
Dari Rabu hingga Rabu lagi
Semakin banyak waktu ‘tuk bicara
Semakin kupaham harapmu apa
Semakin banyak waktu ‘tuk bersama
Bersyukurku kau utuh jiwa raga
Bila ini (belum ‘kan reda)
Tetap kita (saling menjaga)
Hari depan (tak ada yang tahu)
Hadirmu sangat berharga
Kuingin engkau tahu
Aku sayang kamu
Kita di bawah atap lindungan yang sama
Menunggu tenangnya langit pagi
Sadari indah kerut wajahmu yang baru
Tenteram setia mengawalmu
Semakin banyak waktu bersamamu
Semakin mahir kumenata rindu
Semakin banyak waktu di dekatmu
Semakin kupaham apa doamu
Bila ini (belum ‘kan reda)
Tetap kita (saling menjaga)
Hari depan (tak ada yang tahu)
Hadirmu sangat berharga
Ku ingin engkau tahu
Aku sayang kamu
Aku sayang kamu
Friday, June 12, 2020 10:43:05 PM
